Do Not Disturb

You know that little "Do not disturb" sign that hangs on the doorknob of your hotel room? Sometimes it is a large, plastic sign that hangs directly from the knob while, other times, it is a little shard that is inserted directly into the card-keyhole.

Well, what follows is a list of things that little sign keeps from disturbing you whenever you're staying at a home-away-from-home, from four-star hotels to awful, white-trash infested roadstop bordellos. Any of the people or things mentioned on this list might normally disturb your slumber, study time, or quality time with your adult imagination but, thanks to that nice invention of modern plastic technology, they are somehow rendered temporarily powerless, much like Superman when he stepped into that special chamber that took away all of his powers until he was tired of getting laid with that reporter lady and wanted to go back to being, well, Superman.

That sign is somehow able to ward off:

Hookers, pimps, drug dealers, Jehovah's Witnesses, Maintenance Men, neighbors, homeless people, groupies, journalists, The Salvation Army, tweakers, leprechauns, Hot Topic goth chicks, computer nerds, veterans, bill collectors, booking agents, vacuum cleaner salesmen, car mechanics, dog walkers, politicians, construction workers, the surgeon general, lawyers, sexy nurses, skateboarders, porn stars, NASCAR drivers, Lane Bryant employees, pizza delivery guys, assorted alcoholics, nuns, zombies, doctors, The Fonz, firemen, astronauts, ugly nurses, video store clerks, Chinese delivery guys, weight-lifters, serial killers, radiologists, vampires, lumberjacks, hitmen, tailors, florists, psychics, the Dukes of Hazzard, smokers, homeopathic students, the Verizon guy, guidance counselors, restaurant managers, police detectives, kidergarten teachers, ring announcers, street preachers, and the entire cast of "How I Met Your Mother".

You know who that sign does NOT keep from distubring you? Hotel Housekeeping Staff.
Apparently, sometime over the past couple of years, the housekeeping staff at every major hotel across North America has been given a special pass when it comes to adhering to that simple request placed ever so blutly on doorknobs everywhere. In the past three weeks, I have been disturbed by housekeepers in no less than six out of ten hotels. Each time that I pointed out the "Do not disturb" sign hanging in front of my angry index finger, I was answered with scoffs and grunts, as if no one had ever told housekeeping that that sign was actually created mostly for THEM in the first place.

At one hotel, a knock came at 9am. I work nights and rarely ever am awake before 11am. I'm also a chronic "late check-out" customer. If I can stay put in that hotel until 2pm, I'll do it, and try to get the late check out any time possible. That 9am knock sent my body and mind into a tailspin of confusion, exhaustion, and frustration. It's like that 4am phone call from a friend you haven't heard from in months, and you're convinced--before you've even answered--that someone close to you has died.

"Housekeeping", the voice on the other end of the thinly-chained door called into the darkness of my hotel room.

"Whatthehellitsnineoclockinthemorningjesuschristwherethehellamiwhathappenedhuh?" I responded from within the confines of my probably-dirty sheets.

"Housekeeping," she repeated.

"It's 9am," I responded, only just realizing it myself, "and there's a 'do not disturb' sign on the door."

"Yes, but we're housekeeping.".

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

As if that list I already mentioned, the one that includes "zombies" on it, was somehow true and the housekeeping staff had managed to avoid being on it, the woman on the other end of the door seemed amazed that I would even suggest that she not be there.

"Who the hell is that sign supposed to be for, then?" I yelled back, "Besides, if I did want my room cleaned, it wouldn't be at 9am".

If this was the one and only time this sort of thing happened, I'd probably simply have forgotten it. Since, however, this practice has beome a growing trend, I can't help but throw my thoughts out like this, hoping to somehow get an answer as to why and when it happened. Or, at the very least, perhaps I can get out the frustration I have that would otherwise be directed at these poorly underpaid (yet still annoying) cleaners.

Before I was a comedian, I worked in hotel and restaurant management. I can say that, when I did, housekeeping didn't even start working at some hotels until 11am, after the typical check-out time, when most guests were already gone and most new guests had not yet arrived. Sure, there were other members of the staff already there at 6am, but they weren't doing nearly the same amount of work, and certainly weren't knocking on doors at 9am.

So, what changed? When did hotels start insisting on getting guests the hell out of their rooms as opposed to hoping they'd want to stay?

What follows is my description of an actual exchange I had with several members of the hotel staff recently while on tour in the midwest. I was awoken at 10am by a knock on the door, even though the apparently useless sign was, as always, hanging on the damned doorkob. This particular hotel had a check-out time of 12pm, so I could've easily kept sleeping for a while longer. If you don't think the extra time is that important, keep in mind how insane people are about hitting that "Snooze" button on the alarm clock...for the chance to sleep only 9 more minutes.

The knock on the door came loudly, with the obligatory "HOUSEKEEPING" shouted at me from the background. When I responded that I wanted them to go away, I was greeted with the word "Housekeeping" three more times with such a clatter that I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter. I opened the door, freezing and wearing nothing but the Spider-Man underoos I sleep in, and confronted the housekeeper face-to-face.

"I'm sleeping, and there's a 'do not disturb' sign on the door," I have to admit, I was not very nice.

"But I'm with Housekeeping," she responded. For a minute there, I thought I was just dreaming the same encounter over and over again.

I sent her on her way and went back to sleep, only to be awoken twenty minutes later by the phone on the nightstand ringing.

"This is the front desk," a woman's voice came from the other end, "will you be checking out today or staying another night?"

"It's barely past 10am," I said, "and I have a 'Do Not Disturb' sign on the door."

"That's why I called instead of knocking," she said.

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

"The phone ringing IS disturbing," I said, exhausted.

"Well, we need to know if you're checking out or not so we know whether or not to keep a housekeeper on staff to clean the room."

I explained that I didn't care about the hotel's staffing issues and, quite honestly, why the hell should I? Honestly, faithful reader, why should any of us care what the Ramada Inn needs to do with its employee schedule? Last time I checked, they didn't give me a discount for checking out before the alotted 12pm time, so why should their payroll be of any concern to me?

Secondly, regardless of staffing issues and housekeepers waiting to clean the hotel room, that 12pm check-out time is more than just a cut-off point for the money I've spent. It's the time I have, if I choose to, to live in absolute seclusion. Barring some unforseen emergency or natural disaster, I am legitimately allowed to be a complete hermit, especially in regards to hotel staff, until 12pm rears it's ugly head. Whether that time be spent sleeping, watching tv, studying, or doing anything legal I choose to do does not matter; it's my time to do as I please and to do so completely without the disturbance (there's that word again) of the staff at the hotel.

So, if every minute up until 12pm is MY minute, I am under no obligation to inform them, until those minutes are up, whether or not I'll be paying for more mintues. Since that time is mine to do as I want, perhaps I will spend some of that time deciding whether or not I'm going to stay at the hotel another night or not, and I'm under no rush to make up my mind during that time. As far as I'm concerned, I don't have to tell the hotel staff anything until 11:59am.

And I don't.

"What time is check-out?" I asked the voice on the phone.

"12pm," she replied.

"Then you'll find out at 12pm whether or not I'm staying".

I hung up the phone and slept for another hour.

Upon leaving, I walked through the lobby, wearing my overcoat and scarf, with my luggage being rolled behind me and my briefcase strapped over my shoulder. As I made my way to the front door, a woman behind the counter, presumably the voice from the phone, called out to me.

"Are you checking out?"

"No," I said flatly, "around this time every day, I take my luggage out for a stroll around the parking lot."

She looked at me like I was, well, disturbed.