My Five - Five Things Men Shouldn't Wear

In Honor of my 38th Birthday, I'm doing a very personal "My Five" today. I will be discussing five quick things you won't be seeing me wearing...and that no man should be wearing. As I coast happily into middle-age, I see many train wrecks of fashion around me. Here are five that need to be cleaned up and hauled away.

5. Track Suits/Jogging Suits. You know who should be wearing jogging suits? People who are jogging. You know who always seems to be wearing them? Fat guys at the mall. Unless you're actually exercising or--here's a stretch--running somewhere, you need to leave the track suits at the track. Same goes for people who wear sweat pants anywhere but at the gym or on the couch at home. "But I wear them on the plane because I like to be comfortable" someone once said to me. Well, if sitting in a chair, dressed like an adult who is able to function in society is such a chore, perhaps you don't need to be flying anywhere in the first place. And if a pair of jeans is that uncomfortable, it's time to reconsider your diet.

4. Fanny Packs. I got one of these as a gift in the 90s. I wore it for about a week as a way to carry my Walkman (!) whenever I went for a walk. I looked stupid. So do you. Stop wearing them. They looked stupid in the 90s and they just look comical in the "teens" (or whatever it's called now). You have pockets for a reason. If you can't fit your keys in your pocket, you need either a briefcase or fewer keys. If you need to carry so many things with you at once that you need a special bag attached to you, this article doesn't apply to you because you are a woman. Special shout-out to people still wearing their cell phones in a holster on their belt. It's a phone, QuickDraw, not a Colt revolver. And you're a nerd, not a gunslinger.

3. Bolo Ties. Many people don't know that this is the name for those "String Ties" you see a lot of guys wearing. It's mostly a Western thing, accompanied by some other throwback to the post-Civl War days, such as handlebar moustaches and domestic violence. I was given one of these when I was fifteen. It was a star. Now I wish it was a Japanese throwing star so I could have shot out the eye of the person who gave it to me in the first place. Unless your name is "Tex" and you live in Texas and are regularly seen riding a bull or lassoing a steer, you need to not be wearing one of these. Learn to tie a four-in-hand or simply keep your collar open.

2. Crocs. If you see a man wearing Crocs, take them off his feet and beat him to death with them. These are shoes for children. They are convenient and easy to wash when your child pukes or shits on his feet. Or walks through someone else's puke or shit. They are not for grown men to wear simply because they have given up. There are plenty of shoes out there just as convenient and easy to wear as Crocs which make it possible to not look like a creepy uncle who sits alone and watches Nickelodeon sitcoms. If you must, wear a pair of clogs specifically made for men. And I don't care if they make Crocs in your size. They make bras in your size, too. Stop it.

1. Jewelry Outside the Shirt. Sometimes you just can't have it both ways. You have a great necklace you want people to see? That's adorable. So, go put on a standard button-up shirt and leave the collar open. You're cold and want something to keep your neck warm? A turtle neck is a great idea. But that necklace you're excited about showing off? It goes UNDER the turtle neck shirt, got it? Wearing your necklace outside your shirt is like wearing your socks over the cuffs of your jeans. Sometimes less is more, and seeing less of your accessory is more what you should be doing in this case. This also goes for men who wear their wristwatch over their shirt cuffs.

This is just a quick list of things men should not be wearing. But that list is actually much, much longer than five examples. I still didn't get to acid-wash jeans, pants with elastic waist bands, shoes with velcro for laces, socks with sandals, men over forty wearing shirts that read "Affliction" or "Tap Out", sneakers with suits, dangling earrings, and wallets with chains attached to the belt. But, now that I mention it, all of those things suck, as well. Got a fashion item you can't stand? Tell me about it.