The trusty Men's Magazine. It gets many a male through his morning. It's the perfect companion during air travel, sitting on the subway, or just pedaling on a stationary bike at the gym. There are fashion/lifestyle magazines like Details and Esquire and then fitness magazines like Men's Health and Men's Fitness, all of which help the average male to look and feel better. What else do each of these magazines have in common? Well, they pack their pages with tons of useless information every single month. Sure, there are great articles and interviews, but there's also a lot of nonsense, and the same nonsense over and over again. Below are Five Things Men's Magazines Need To Stop Printing.
5. Interviews With Celebrities About Their Diets. Men's Health is particularly guilty of this one. Every month, someone from Ryan Reynolds to Gerard Butler is interviewed about his diet and secrets to losing weight. You keep your carbs low after dinner, Mr. Reynolds? Wow. You do your cardio in the morning, Mr. Butler? Shocker. What each of these magazines glosses over every single month is that celebrities rarely choose their diet. When you make a zillion dollars per year and a major studio is putting another zillion dollars into your movie or TV show, there are people who are paid to keep celebrities thin and attractive. Tom Cruise is not leaning into the fridge, trying to decide if he should have turkey bacon or whole-wheat pasta. He has a nutritionist, a chef, and other experts who are paid to come up with his meals and--usually--prepare them. If everyone had personal chefs then everyone would be thin. Asking Hugh Jackman for his diet secrets is like asking Oprah about how to dry clean a shirt. Every month, this article could be two sentences: "Q: How do you stay thin?" "A: Someone tells me what to eat and makes it for me".
4. Articles About Products Readers Cannot Afford. Details is guilty of this one. Every month there's articles about the latest cars, gadgets, and whatever other toys the jet setting playboys of the upper crust are buying this week. Problem is that 90% of these toys, gadgets, and cars are out of the price range of the average guy reading the magazine. Sure, you could be a successful guy making good cash and still picking up a monthly magazine, but the average airport reader isn't buying that $250,000 Bentley that was reviewed this month. Ditto the "weekend getaway" to the Swiss Alps for $20,000. An article on the future of electric cars? Great. A review of the latest personal, one-seater, electric helicopter? Unnecessary. The guy who can afford that helo-pad in his backyard didn't find out about the newest billionaire toy in the pages of Esquire. He found out at the monthly Skull and Bones Society meeting.
3. Workout Tips From Celebrities. This goes right along with asking Jason Statham about his diet tips. You want to build muscle? There's no secret to it. Lift weights. Want nice pecs? Bench presses, dips, flys, and push-ups. Want to look like a celebrity? Hire a personal trainer who works out with you for at least an hour a day, six days per week. That's right, much like when they are trying to stay thin, celebrities hire people to help them achieve their goals. Hugh Jackman did not get to look like Wolverine in a few months by going to the gym three days per week and hitting the Pec Deck. He had a well-paid trainer that devoted most of his day to making sure the guy ran, lifted, squatted, and generally pushed his body to the limit...and almost every single day. Here's the thing about being a movie star: You've got time during the day. You're not stuck in a cubicle nor having to worry about picking the kids up after karate lessons. You have hours in which to train and get in shape. And you've got the money to pay someone to show you exactly what to do and how to do it and when to do it. And, when all else fails, celebrities have something many normal schmoes don't get to enjoy: Plastic Surgery.
2. Tips on What Brands To Buy This Season. Just like the average reader is not going down to the dealership and cruising for the latest Lamborghini, that same guy is not looking for the latest $5,000 suit to wear for a few months because it happens to be trendy. Most guys have suits that are classic in style and will likely last them for several years. Yet men's magazines will still pimp expensive clothes and trends that they readily admit in their own pages will likely only be a passing fad. The one-button suit is big right now? Great. Can I get it for $300 or less? No? Not interested. Sometimes these magazines have the balls to suggest the reader go out and spend upwards of three grand on an accessory....just for this year. Plenty of people buy Tag Hauer watches, but they don't toss them aside when Labor Day rolls around. Men pass watches on to their sons and grandsons; they don't replace them every fall like they do their tires....even the tires on that Lamborghini. These articles are a deception, of course. The magazines are getting a kick-back from these brands to pimp their products in the magazine. But, really, the $500 sweaters are just insulting, considering more men buy their clothes at Target than they do at the Hugo Boss store.
1. Interviews With Models/Actresses About Dating/Men. Every single men's magazine, every single month, has an interview with some model or actress (or both) and what she thinks about dating and sex. Wrapped in nothing but bedsheets and a pout, this millionaire hottie will tell all about her dating secrets, the type of man she wants to meet, and the secret to getting into her pants and--by default--into her heart.
Well, in actuality, celebrity women really only date rich, celebrity men. Every single article that interviews famous women about what they are looking for in a man should always begin with "After being absurdly rich and successful and hopefully more famous than I am, I seek a man who is ___________". In Playboy Magazine, the Playmates interviewed never say "I really want to have sex with an octogenarian who lays around in pajamas all day", yet Hugh Heffner seems to get a ton of hot twenty-somethings in his bed. Guess it's his quirky laugh and charming smile.
You want to know how to date a celebrity? Find a way to make millions of dollars first, then go and work on that "sense of humor". It's a waste of space to keep interviewing different women every month who give the same phony answers. Next time you read about some gorgeous actress talking about seeking a man who loves to read and make her laugh, check the news a month later and see if she's dating a quirky high school English teacher who writes greeting cards.
In fact, it's nearly impossible to name a model or actress who isn't dating or married to another millionaire. It's so rare, that, when it does happen, the tabloids go nuts reporting it. Julia Roberts is married to a camera operator. Then there's....um....there's....um....
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